Of Mice and Meetings
[Everyone is seated at an oval table in a huge meeting room,
chatting. From the left side of the
table, the characters of importance are seated as follows: Ozzie, Iiwi, Ferdie, Beak, Jennies [at
“head” of table], Bob, Bobetta, empty chairs, Ferdia, Squeaks, Casey, Trevor,
Bishop, more empty chairs, Galaxia, D’Gal, the Bagels, the Dust Bunnies, Dr.
Periwinkle, the Invisible Ducks, and even more empty seats (or are there ducks
in those, too? I forget…). Newt sits off to the side of the room with a
typewriter and a copy of Popular Mechanics: Genius Edition
magazine. In the far corner stands a
snack table (from which Gracie, under the pretense of straightening up, is
Okay, everyone, this emergency
meeting of Bob Kiwi & Company shall now come to order.
You're not dead!
I just haven't had time to
update the web page in a while, okay?
We were worried you were dead or
Can we please get on with this?
right, all right.
Is everyone here?
missing, but everyone else is here.
: [grumbling] You’d think criminal masterminds
would be more punctual.
all in the timing – you know, the-later-I-am-the-more-important-I-am, or
right, get on with it already.
off: old business.
I'd just like to
restate my apologies to the Radioactive Bagels’ delegates for last meeting’s
choice of snack food.
It will NOT
[glares at D’Gal]
How was I
supposed to know
they didn’t like Dunkin’ Donuts?
horror, the horror
beginning to see why your own kind banished you, D’Gal.
don't take this all out on me
I'll have you know that those two
packed away at least a dozen
before you showed up! [points to Ferdia & Squeaks]
Hey, we're cops
It's in our job
for gavel. Grabs banana by accident and pounds it on table.]
yeah, I'd like a burger an’ fr- [Bob backhands him] Ow!
The Sacred BaNAna!!!
mushed banana at Beak] I SAID ORDER!!!!
Take your seats!
[everyone shuffles back to table]
Now, back to business.
Bobetta, you had something you wanted to bring up?
: Yes, I was thinking we should do a
[Ferdia chokes on drink.
Bob spits out coffee]
think it’s a good idea.
This series needs some culture.
wanna know when we get to see more of Ozzie.
: The osprey?
Didn’t he get killed in Private Eye
That was one of his bodyguards.
I was off at a business conference in the Bahamas at the time.
well, gee, thanks ever so much for telling ME that...
I’m supposed to tell you every single thing I do?
Besides, I got my contract right here, and it clearly sets forth
that I can’t be killed off.
does it say that?....[peers at fine print with magnifying glass]...ah...here it is.
We’ve got more than enough
villains in this series as it is!
We’ve got Ivan, and Galaxia, and Dr.
: Speaking of me, I just want to say
that WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?
supposed to be the really, really
huge evil villain in Private Eye
but I come across as this raving lunatic!
And I don't even get to do anything!
but I said I cheesed out on the ending of that fic.
I’m planning on revising it when I get the chance.
the meantime, what about me? I'm
supposed to be the high-class villain here.
no one's explained this to you?
several different tiers of villains.
This series has Ivan, the Mafia / Organized Crime villain, Galaxia, the
Spy / Intergalactic Miscreant, the -
: What'd you call me?!?
Galaxia: I am the Empress of Espionage!!!
Oz As I was saying, we've got D’Gal, the bent-on-revenge villain, Dr. Periwinkle, the Mad Scientist,
Dr. Periwinkle: Mad?
You think I’m mad? I'll
show you MAD!
sit down and shut up or I’ll show them you’re high school yearbook.
Dr. Periwinle: *Gasp!* You wouldn’t!
Jennies: Got it
right here. [waves book around. Periwinkle wimpers and ducks low in chair]
I was saying, many different types of villains, but no upper-class,
well-mannered, handsome villain.
Jennies: Wait a
minute...wait...wait....yep, I thought so.
Your ego DOES have a separate contract.
Don’t think I won't write myself back in.
I’ve got legions of lawyers, you know.
you can't write yourself in right now, everybody’s out in space and stuff.
Iiwi: *psst!* Beak!
out of town? [drums fingers together] Oh, well then of course I’ll wait....
Bob: [muttering] Stupid ewok kiwi....
Jennies: Moving right
along....Squeaks, you had a complaint?
Squeaks: Uh, yeah, actually. About Kiwis in Space....in part 4, do
you really expect me to crawl through -
me?!? Part 4?!? How in the heck did you get a copy of part
she hasn’t even finished it yet!
an advanced copy of the script! [lunges for script] Lemme see that! [struggle
Bob: Hey! That is *not* proper meeting behavior!
gripping script and elbowing Squeaks away from it] I just wanna see how I get
off the station! I’ve heard I get a
really cool ship!
Bob: YOU?!? What about US?!? We’re marooned on some forest-village-ewok-ripoff planet!
Beak: HEY! Are you dissin’ my planet?!?
Bob: Um...no. HE is.
[points to Ferdie]
you!! [throttles Ferdie]
leave my brother alone! [Dives across table, plowing into Beak. Ferdie’s chair tips backward, sending all
three crashing to the floor. Scuffle
Squeaks: [retrieves now-crumpled script, rolls
eyes.] <sigh>… [slides script
across table to Jennies.]
Jennies: As I
was saying, how –oof! Hey, watch
it! [kicks at still-struggling Beak and Ferdia] – how did you get ahold of an
advance copy of my script!
Ivan dropped it the other day. I
Ferdia: Ha! Gotcha!
[hauls handcuffed Beak up] Now
sit down and behave yourself! [shoves
Beak into seat]
Jennies: [sighs] Finished?
off hands] Yep.
Squeaks] So Ivan had the script? Should've known he was behind this...
self into seat] And just where
have *you* been?
was at an E.V.A. meeting. It ran
late. Where's the complimentary snacks?
Vill.... Am I missing something?
mind that. Ivan, what were you doing
with an advance copy of my script?
you devious kiwi!
get some food first. [sends Sign Holder
& Lita to snack table]
Bob: Hey! We’re talkin’ some serious ethical violations
first, ethics later.
w/ mouthful of snacks] Whaaaaaaat?
DID YOU GET THIS SCRIPT?!?
you found it! Great! [grabs script] Beginning to think it’d fallen into the wrong hands...
Ivan: What? It was just lying around, and-
HADN’T EVEN WRITTEN IT DOWN YET!!!!!!
Ivan: What? I’m a villain! The dark recesses of the mind are familiar
territory to me! Can I help it if
that’s where you were storing them?
Do you want to be part of the Sugarplum Fairy’s entourage in the next episode?
Ivan: Um...no. Not really, no.
STAY OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!
Ivan: [salutes] Roger that., sir.
Galaxia: Speaking of pansies...
Galaxia: Speaking of which, where have you been,
you little traitor!
behind Ivan’s sign] I, uh, I-
Galaxia: You can’t do that!
as how no one [glares at Jennies] saw fit to beam me a crew for that
fighter, I took it upon myself to snag a pilot, at least.
Galaxia: [to Jennies] He can’t do that!
Jennies: Well, he did, and I’m not undoing it, so
just deal with it.
But you can't –
Jennies: [holds up fingers] Two words: Sugarplum
Galaxia: [backs up] Okay, okay, I was wrong! You can!
watch] Not to break up such a productive meeting, but our shift starts in five
Jennies: [checks all five clocks in room, none of
which are set at same time] Ooh, Law
& Order’s about to start! Okay,
everybody out! Meeting adjourned!
[Group begins to disperse.
The Sign Holder and Lita grab handfuls of snacks, stopping when Ivan
scowls at them. Ivan tosses them a bag
and tells them “If you’re gonna swipe something, swipe all of it.... Several Invisible Ducks trip the Bagels as
they leave – the resulting phaser-fight echoes from outside. Ferdia and the other cops filter out the
back door, Bishop complaining that he’s allergic to the Dust Bunnies.]
Jennies: [to the
stragglers] Go on, get out, shoo!
Jennies, we didn’t resolve anything!
and I’m still handcuffed!
Jennies: Pink frilly tutus, dainty pink shoes,
sparkly wands, aaaaand....[dramatic flourish] Pixie Wings!
Bob & Beak: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! [run screaming out of room]
Bobetta: [hopefully] Maybe my idea’ll grow on them?
Jennies: I can
write you in jeans and a T-shirt just as easily.
Bobetta: Eeeeek! [runs away]
Jennies: [laughs] Typical. [turns] Newt, d’you get all that down?
sorry, Jensios, but I do believe I was laughing too hard to do much typing.
Jennies: So much for meeting minutes. This is all because I posted that picture of
you, isn't it?
Jensios, I did need to undergo a complete appearance makeover.
eyebrow] Newt, you changed the color of your shirt.
Newt: Shhhh! Someone might overhear you! [sneaks out trap door]
Jennies: <sigh> Why do I even bother? [picks up script] Hey…this is actually pretty good...