Bob Kiwi & Company

( Need A ) CLUE


The cop shines his flashlight on the car's license plate, then underneath the car. He walks away.

Back in Hill House, Bob and Iiwi are standing in the doorway of the conservatory. Rain is pelting against the glass, but all is quiet otherwise.

Bob switches on the lights and the two look around. The conservatory is dilapidated. There is dust and cobwebs all around--it obviously hasn't been used for some time. Iiwi walks to the outer wall of windows.
Rain pours down them.

Bob walks to one side and picks up something. He then takes a rag and wipes his hands off. While doing so, he leans against the wall, and it swings open!

Bob: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!

He falls down, but quickly gets up.

Iiwi: Looks like a secret passage.

Bob: Should we see where it leads?

Iiwi: Would you rather stand here, basking in the aroma of ancient manure?

Bob: You go first--I'm not done trying to live a good life.

Iiwi growls with disgust, but walks into the passage. Bob follows closely behind.

The secret passage is narrow, and the floor is uneven. Iiwi trips and yells in surprise.

Iiwi: Why does it have to be so cramped in here!?!

Bob: Don't worry; I think we're almost to the other end.

Bob and Iiwi emerge from behind the still-rotated fireplace into the lounge. They see the Drake, the motorist's, corpse.

Iiwi: You have got to be kidding me.

The fireplace slides shut behind them. Bob panics--he starts yelling again.

Up in the attic, Ferdie and Gracie can faintly hear Bob's yells of fright.

Down in the lounge, Iiwi and Bob run to the double doors. They're locked. Now they both are yelling.

Up on the second floor, D'gal and Ferdia are both running for the staircase. In the opposite direction are Ferdie and Gracie, just emerging from the attic. They all four collide in the hallway and crash to the floor.

Down below, Iiwi and Bob are still banging at the door. And screaming. Well, mostly Bob is screaming.

The four upstairs untangle themselves. D'gal growls and shoves Ferdie off of him, as Ferdie tries to remove a stiletto heel from his back. D'gal and Ferdia continue running down the stairs, followed by Gracie and Ferdie.

D'Gal: Where's it coming from?

Ferdie: Where are we going?

They make it to the ground floor just as Squeaks and Bobetta emerge from the cellar.

Ferdia: Where are they?

D'Gal: The lounge!

Squeaks tries the door. It's locked.

Ferdie: The door's locked!

Squeaks: * impatiently * I know . . .

Ferdie: Then unlock it!

Bobetta: Where's the key?

D'gal searches his pockets.

D'Gal: The key is gone!!

Ferdie: Never mind about the key! Unlock the door!

Squeaks grabs Ferdie by the lapels and begins to shake him.

Squeaks: I can't unlock the door without the key!

Squeaks releases Ferdie, who begins to bang on the door.

Ferdie: Let us in! Let us in!

From within the lounge, Bob and Iiwi shout back.

Iiwi and Bob: Let us out! Let us out!

Out in the hall, everyone is talking at once, trying to figure out how to open the door.

Squeaks: It's no good. Stand back.

He backs up all the way across the hall to the study door.

Squeaks: There's no alternative. I'm just going to have to break it down!

D'Gal: Oh, this should be good.

Ferdia: Wait, you're not…

The mouse runs at full speed for the door. He hits it and falls to the floor, holding his shoulder.

Ferdia: …made of stone in this fanfic.

Squeaks: Owww…

Gracie gets an idea.

Gracie: I know! I have eet!

Meanwhile, the two in the lounge are still yelling.

Ferdia: Will you shut up? We're doing the best we can.

Gracie has run into the study and grabs the revolver from the open cupboard.

She then runs out of the study and trips over the still-sprawled Squeaks. The shot goes wild, hitting the chandelier rope.

Ferdie and Ferdia hit the deck. Bobetta now starts screaming at the top of her lungs

D'gal is just leaning against a wall, highly amused by the whole scene.

Up above, the chandelier starts spinning.

In the study, Iiwi and Bob heard the shot and are now crouched down on the floor.

Bob: They're shooting at us!!!

Iiwi: It just keeps getting worse…

The panicking out in the hall continues. The rope holding the chandelier is fraying as it spins, but the party below is too distracted to notice.

D'gal finally decides to get involved and grabs the gun from Gracie.

D'Gal: Give me that before you hurt someone useful.

He takes aim at the lounge doors.

Ferdia and Ferdie, who had started to get up, hit the floor again.

D'gal fires twice. Both shots hit the door lock.

Bob can be heard screaming. In the lounge, he turns away from the door, holding his shoulder.

Bob: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! They shot me!!!

Gracie, ever oblivious, shouts back at the occupants in the lounge.

Gracie: Come out! The door eez open!

D'gal lowers the gun and tosses it back at Gracie, who catches it and carelessly points it in the direction of
Ferdia and Ferdie. They scramble out of the way.

The lounge door opens Bob and Iiwi come out, the latter supporting the weight of the former. Bob is clutching his arm where a bullet grazed him. He is sobbing.

Bobetta looks at Bob's wound and screams.

Bobetta: Darling, they've killed you!!!

She faints onto the floor. Iiwi is too ticked off to notice. She sees Gracie holding the gun and starts to yell at the French hen.

Iiwi: Why are you shooting that thing at us?

Gracie: To get joo out.

Letting go of Bob, Iiwi shoves her. Gracie falls onto the floor and the gun slides from her hand into the pile of broken crystal from the chandelier.

Iiwi: You know, you could have killed us! I could've been killed!

Bob: Oh, the pain! Oh, the suffering! Someone telling my darling that I forgive her.

Iiwi: Knock it off Bob; you're not dying. You're not even bleeding.

Ferdie: * bad British accent * 'Tis but a scratch.

Ferdia smacks Ferdie. Even now, no one has noticed the precarious spinning of the chandelier above the group. The rope has almost frayed through.

Bob: I wanna go home. I can't take any more scares!

The rope snaps.

The chandelier lands three feet in back of Bob. He clutches his chest, staggers, and collapses onto a nearby love seat in shock. Ferdie has already run screaming off into the lounge, not realizing there was another dead Drake in there. He came screaming out again very shortly.

Iiwi grabbed a hold of him and sat him down next to Bob, who was still recovering from minor heart failure. Gracie was on the floor fanning a recovering Bobetta.

Squeaks: What the heck scared Green so badly?

Iiwi: Take a look for yourself.

The others go into the lounge and see the newest victim.

Bobetta: * accusatory * Which one of you did it?

Bob: We found him! Together!

Ferdia: How did you get in?

Ferdie: The door was locked.

Squeaks: * groans * And very solid.

Ferdie: Unless…you guys are ghosts!!! Did you see who killed you?!?

Iiwi: Don't be stupid. There's a secret passageway from the conservatory.

Squeaks: * to Gracie * Is that the same gun? From the cupboard?

Ferdie: But it was locked!

Gracie: No, eet was oonlocked!

Everyone: Unlocked?

Gracie: But, yes. See for yourself!

The party runs into the study. The guests pile in and see that the cupboard has indeed been opened.

D'Gal: Now, how could this have happened?

Bobetta: * to Gracie * How did you know it was unlocked? How did you know that you could get at the gun?

Gracie: I didn't. I sink--I would bray kit open bud it was open alreddy.

Bob: A likely story.

Ferdie: Now, let's not jump to conclusions.

Iiwi: Sure, take her side.

Bob: We need to be logical. If the key was thrown away, who here has the ability to pick locks?

Ferdia, D'gal, Iiwi and Squeaks all start whistling and looking toward the ceiling.

Ferdie: It might be faster to ask who can't.

Then, the doorbell rings. The guests freezing in place.

Iiwi: Maybe they'll just go away.

The doorbell rings again.

The guests remain absolutely still. There is a third ring. And it continues to ring.

They are all quite disappointed and trying to figure out what do.

Ferdie: I'm going to open it.

Iiwi: Why?!

Ferdie: I have nothing to hide! I didn't do it! * holding his hand out to D'gal * The key.

D'gal hands the key to Ferdie.

Ferdie: Thank you . . .

He strides into the hall, followed by the rest of the party.

Ferdie opens the door, revealing Drake, the cop.

Drake: * dryly * Good evening. Again.

The door closes in the Drake's face.

After a moment, the door opens, revealing D'gal. Drake gets a worried look on his face.

Drake: Uh, you know, I think I need to be leaving. No problem here…

D'Gal: Nonsense. After finding that abandoned car just down the road, we understand it's you civic duty to find out if the driver came here for help. We understand perfectly.

Everyone stares at D'gal, flabbergasted, including Drake.

Drake: So…he came here.

Everyone but D'Gal: No.

D'Gal: Actually, he did.

Drake: But why did they just…

D'Gal: A bit of a disagreement, as you can see.

Drake: Well, that's fine, I should be going…

D'Gal: No, no, no. You must use the phone. We insist.

Everyone: No!

Yanking Drake through the front door before he can escape, D'gal escorts him through the hall.

D'Gal: Of course you may, sir. You may use the one in the, um, no . . . Uh, you could use the one in the st-- no . . . Would you be kind enough to wait in the um, library?

Drake: Please, I really need to…

D'Gal: Use the phone. Yes, please step this way.

Drake: * suspiciously * You all seem to be very anxious about something.

D'Gal: It's the chandelier. It fell down. Almost killed us. Would you like to come this way, please, sir?

Iiwi closes the door to the study suddenly and attempts to look nonchalant. Drake whirls at the sound. Squeaks does the same to the lounge door. Drake whirls again.

D'Gal: Frightfully drafty, these old houses.

D'gal pulls Drake over to the library and indicates the phone.

D'Gal: Please help yourself to a drink, if you'd like.

Drake reaches for the cognac.

Ferdie: Not the cognac. Just in case.

D'Gal: Nonsense. I'm sure an officer of the law can choose his own beverage.

D'gal the slams the door shut in Drakes face and locks the door. He then turns to the assembled guests.

Ferdia: * whispering * What now?

Inside the library, Drake tries the handle, but finds it to be securely locked.

Ferdie: We should have told him.

Bobetta: Oh, very well for you to say that now.

Ferdie: * defensively * I said it then!

Everyone: Oh, shut up!

D'Gal: * indicating the shattered chandelier * Let's clean this up.

Drake is still pulling on the handle of the library door. Mid-yank, the phone behind him starts to ring. Hesitantly, he walks over and gingerly lifts the receiver.

Drake: Hello?

Back in the hall, they here the phone ring in the library. But then it stops. All are still.

Ferdia: Maybe the cop answered it . . .

In the library, Drake is listening to the voice on the other end of the phone.

Drake: And who shall I say is calling? * pauses * Ah . . . will you hold on, please?

Drake strides over to the library doors.

Drake: Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty! And murder!

The door opens. The party stands there, D'gal with broom in hand.

D'Gal: What do you mean . . . "murder"?

Drake: You know exactly what I mean, you black-hearted fiend.

D'Gal: Tut, your imagination must be getting the better of you.

Everyone starts to laugh nervously.

Drake: What's going on around here? Why do you keep locking me up? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?

Squeaks: J. Edgar Hoover?

Ferdia: The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation?

Bobetta: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?

D'Gal: I don't know. He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine? * steps to the library door * Excuse me.

D'gal enters, then closes and locks the door behind him.

Drake: Maybe we should leave now?

Ferdie: Can't. He's got the key for the front door.

Drake: So…wha'cha do'in?

Iiwi: We're having a . . . party . . .

The guests laugh even more nervously than before.

Drake: Okay. Could I look around? Maybe there is an unlocked window somewhere…

Iiwi: Sure . . . You can show him around, Mr. Green!

Ferdie: Me?

Iiwi: Yes! Uh, you can show him the . . . dining room . . . the kitchen . . . the ballroom . . .

Ferdie: * stiffly * Fine . . . Fine . . . Officer, um, come with me. I'll show you the . . . dining room . . . or the kitchen . . . or the ballroom . . .

The two walk away, and once gone, the other scramble for the study and lounge.

While in the dining room, Drake tries the windows, and then raises the metal partition and looks into the kitchen.

Back in the lounge…

Ferdia: …Make it look convincing.

Off in another part of the house…

Ferdie: So! This is the ballroom.

Drake: Nice valances. Has anyone tried those windows down there?

In the study…

Iiwi: Come on . . .

On their way out of the billiard room, Drake looks at Ferdie questioningly.

Drake: What's going on in those two rooms?

Ferdie: Uh . . . which two rooms?

Drake pushes past him and walks to the end of the hall. Just then, a couple of guests run frantically past him. As they slam the doors behind them, Drake points at the lounge and the study.

Drake: Those two rooms.

Ferdie: Oh . . . those two rooms . . .Um, nothing special.

Drake: A-hah! There is some method of escape and you're trying to hide it from me. Just wait until I get back to my superiors and tell them about this…

Ferdie is at a loss. Drake strides toward the study door. Ferdie
blocks his path.

Ferdie: Officer, I don't think you should go in there.

Drake: Why not?

Ferdie: Uh . . .

Drake lifts up Ferdie and moves him out of the way. In a last ditch attempt, the blue bird blocks the door to the study with his body.

Ferdie: Stop! It's just…too terrifying!

Drake throws Ferdie aside and barges into the room.

Music can be heard in the background. It's "Life Could Be a Dream," on a record player.

Bobetta and Iiwi are lounging on a couch, while Gracie is serving coffee. Bob is sitting in an armchair, his feet propped up on an odd looking table. The cloth on the table is a similar pattern to the drapes in the room. Bob is also sipping coffee.

Iiwi looks over at the intruders.

Iiwi: Is there a problem, officer?

Drake: * to Mr. Green * It's not all that shocking. These folks are just having a quiet evening. * to Bob * Though it is impolite to put your feet on other people's furniture.

Drake studies the table. It is strangely lumpy.

Drake: Interesting…

Bobetta: It's postmodern.

Drake: Oh.

He leaves to the hall. Ferdie remains standing in shock.

In the lounge, Ferdia pours a drink into the motorist's mouth. He is propped up in a chair; drink in hand, and a hat on his head to hide the wound. The music can still be heard, but faintly.

She and Squeaks hear footsteps approaching, and both go running for the couch. They crash into one another and land on the couch. Drake enters the room to find them thoroughly tangled together


The two blink at him. Ferdie steps in behind him.

Ferdie: SIS!!! Get your hands off her!

Ferdia: Uh, hi?

Squeaks: This isn't what it looks like.

Drake is too shocked to notice the motorist.

Drake: Such an appalling display. You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of this innocent young woman.

He walks over to the couch and pulls Ferdia to her feet. Wrapping one arm around her, he starts to escort her from the room.

Drake: Don't worry, Miss. I'll keep you safe from that scoundrel.

Ferdia: Now wait one minute, you…

Ferdia is balling up her fist as they exit. Drake never noticed his dead twin in the chair.

Squeaks: Well, that was easy.

Ferdie: I almost feel sorry for him.

Out in the hall, D'gal exits the library to find Ferdia getting ready to pound Drake. Squeaks and Ferdie dash out of the study and attempt to separate the two. Curious, D'gal walks over to the group.

D'Gal: Officer! Is there a problem?

Drake: You're too late--I've seen it all.

D'gal looks at the others and raises an eyebrow. They all shrug in unison.

D'Gal: You have? * pauses * And you didn't find anything…disturbing?

Drake: You mean besides the fact you seem to be holding everyone here prisoner?

D'Gal: It's for their own good. There is quite a bit of riff-raff that wanders around after dark.

Drake looks at him suspiciously.

Drake: Well, I suppose that's true. And I can't find anything very illegal going on…

Ferdie: That's right. Nothing illegal. Nope. No, sir. Everything on the up-and-up.

Drake: Though I would keep my eye on this rogue… * points to Squeaks *

D'Gal: I see . . .

Drake: So…* to D'gal * …may I leave now?

D'Gal: Certainly!

Everyone looks at D'gal in shock, including Drake.

Drake: Really?

D'Gal: Of course. But…oh, yes. You still need to make your phone call, don't you?

Drake: * nervously * No! Really, I'm fine.

D'Gal: Don't be absurd. A few more minutes here won't kill you.

He flashes a devious grin. The others moan. D'gal escorts Drake back into the library.

D'Gal: We shall come and get you when you are finished.

Drake: But I don't need…!

D'gal slams the door in his face and locks it once again. The others out in the hall give D'gal angry looks as the rest of the group emerges from the study.

Ferdie: Why did you lock him in again?

D'Gal: * whispering * We haven't finished searching the house, yet.

Squeaks: * whispering * Well, we're running out of time. Only fifteen minutes before the police come.

Ferdie: *whispering fiercely * The police already came!

Everyone: *whispering fiercely * Shut up!!

D'Gal: Let's get on with it!

Gracie: * to Ferdie * Monsieur?

The guests again split up to search the house as the music continues.

On the first floor, Bob and Iiwi enter the kitchen. Bob suddenly opens a door, only to have an ironing board hit him in the head. Iiwi opens the door to the freezer. She grasps one of the meat hooks. It turns in her grip and reveals another secret passage in the back of the freezer. She gives a cry of surprise.

Iiwi: Look! I can't believe it. I wonder where this one goes.

Bob: I don't know, but if we find another dead body, I am so going on strike from the rest of this story.

They step in.

In the study, music is still playing.

Bob and Iiwi swing aside a large painting and enter the room from the secret passage. They shrug.

Iiwi: Let's try the ballroom again.

Bob: Do we hafta?

Up in the attic, Ferdie and Gracie are still poking around.

At the top of the cellar stairs, a gloved hand pulling a lever down. All electricity is shut off. The lights go out instantly, and the music stops.

Down in the cellar, Bobetta backs up into the boiler. Thinking it is a person, or Squeaks, she starts to hit it with her handbag.

Bobetta: Ahh! You can't have my beautiful jewels!

Up in the master bedroom, a gust of wind blows a door shut. D'gal spins around towards it, kicks it open with a yell, and charges into a closet.

Nearby, Ferdia hears the noise and goes running toward it.

Meanwhile, Gracie is descending stairs quietly.

In the library, Drake is on the phone.

Drake: Hello? Hello? Help? Please? Anyone?

Gracie is in front of the billiard room door. An arm appears from out of a shadow, grabs her, and pulls her out of sight.

A figure is hidden in the shadows inside the billiard room. Suddenly the door opens, and Drake is thrown through, wearing the French maid outfit previously worn by Gracie. The door shuts behind him.

Drake looks down at what he is wearing, and screams.

The figure hidden in the shadows speaks in a raspy voice.

Voice: Stop screaming! Did anyone recognize you?

Drake: No, I refuse to go along with this any longer. I'm going to call Mallard. They must have a way to get me out of this. It's degrading, demoralizing, depraved, not to mention that Vycerian is probably…

The figure steps out into the light, holding the noose from the study cupboard.

Drake: * gasping * It's you!

Back in the library, Drake, the cop, is still on the phone.

Drake: * whispering into phone * There's something funny going on around here. I don't know what it is…

Behind him, the door handle silently turns and the door opens. Someone quietly steps in.

Drake: No, I'm not on duty. But I have a feeling that I'm in danger. You know that big, ugly house on top… What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?”

The lead pipe comes down softly on the phone cradle, cutting the connection off.

A gloves hand raises the lead pipe behind Drake's head.

Drake: Hello? Hello? Are you there?

The doorbell starts ringing. The front door opens. Drake is outside. He is dressed in a bellboy uniform, with a telegram in hand.

Drake: What the heck?

The gun fires. He falls to the ground. The door slams shut.

Up in the attic, Ferdie hears the commotion.

Ferdie: Yvette?

She does not answer. He tries to get out, but opens a closet instead. Its contents fall on him.

Down one floor, Ferdia is making her way through the bedroom, looking for door. Her hand comes across a jack-in-the-box, which springs open. She yelps and punches it across the room. It smashes into a nearby wall.

D'gal hears Ferdia cry out, and the crash. He runs to the door.

D'Gal: * yelling * I'm coming! I'm just trying to find the door!

He enters another part of the master bedroom. He grasps a handle.

D'Gal: What's this? I'm at the door?

He twists the handle, starting a shower. He is promptly very wet.

Very shortly, a soaked D'gal sloshes down the steps to the front hall. He goes to the entrance to the cellar and pulls up the lever, restoring electricity to Hill House.

The record player starts again, taking several seconds to get up to speed. As the party slowly reassembles in the hall, the song ends.

They then go around to the billiard room. The door is open, and upon looking in, they see Drake, in the French maid outfit, sprawled on the pool table, still with the noose on his neck. They walk off.

The door of the library is standing open. The guests look in from the hall and see the Cop's corpse hung over a table. The guests stand at the door.

Ferdie: Two murders. I can't take much more of this.

Bobetta: You can't? Think of this poor duck.

Squeaks enters the library and picks up the lead pipe.

Squeaks: Neither of them shot. I thought I heard a gun.

Ferdie: I did.

Bob: So did I.

Iiwi: I thought I heard the front door slam!

Ferdie: Oh, God . . . The murderer must have run out.

The guests run toward the front door.

The guests open the door, and see the singing telegram's body. It has a bullet hole neatly through the forehead.

D'Gal: Three murders.

Bob: That's a new record for tonight.

Ferdie: Six, all together. This is getting serious.

Squeaks: Getting?

They close the door and lock it. The guests walk onto the main floor.

D'Gal: No gun. Yvette dropped it here. * declaring * Very well . . . I know who did it.

Everyone: * incredulously * You do?

D'Gal: And furthermore, I'm going to tell you how it was all done. Follow me.

He walks to the library. The guests follow.


| Retreat to Part The Second! | Onwards and Sideways to Part The Fourth! |
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