Bob Kiwi & Company
( Need A ) CLUE
PART THE FOURTH
D'gal addresses the assembled guests.
D'gal: In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening, step by step. At the start of the evening, Yvette was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a drink. I was in the hall. * pauses * I know, because I was there. Then, I hurried across to the kitchen.
He waves for the guests to follow him. D'gal is running into the kitchen, and the guests follow.
D'gal: And the cook was in here, alive, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner. And then . . .
Wadsworth springs up to the front door, the guests following closely. He proceeds to act out events.
D'gal: And the doorbell rang . . . * to Bob * And it was you!
Bob: Yes . . .
D'gal: * breathlessly * I asked you for your coat, and I recognized you as Colonel Mustard and I prevented you from telling your real name because I didn't want any of you to use any name other than your pseudonym and I introduced myself to you as a butler and I ran across the hall to the library!
He does so, with the confused guests in tow.
Ferdie: Slow down!
D'gal imitates everything he describes.
D'gal: And then Yvette met you . . . and smiled . . . * he smiles * . . . and poured you a drink.
Ferdie: Possibly poisoned. We never did figure that out.
D'gal: Never mind that! Then…
He runs for the Hall. D'gal heads for the front door.
D'gal: * still breathless * … The doorbell rang! And it was Mrs. White, looking pale and tragic…
Ferdia: Oh, right. Like I could pull off “tragic.”
D'gal: …and I took her coat, and made off!
They head for the library again.
Bob: Why all the running? My cute feet are going to fall off…
Iiwi: At least one good thing can come out of this.
D'gal: And I introduced her to Colonel Mustard. * imitating them * Hello. Hello. And I noticed that Mrs. White and Yvette . . . flinched! Then . . . there was a rumble of thunder, and a crash of lightning.
He demonstrates.
D'gal: And, to make a long story short…
Everyone: Too late.
D'gal: …one by one, you all arrived.
Then D'gal tears out of the room and into the hall. He grabs the gong mallet.
D'gal: And then the gong was struck by the cook!
He does so. Ferdie jumps a foot in the air again. He splashes Bobetta again, as he had picked up a cognac glass to examine it. She looks at him in disgust as she takes his handkerchief.
D'gal: And we went into the dining room!
D'gal goes around the table, indicating chairs.
D'gal: * breathless * And Mrs. Peacock sat here, and Professor Plum here… * acts as if slurping soup *
and Mrs. White sat here… * imitates them slurping soup * …and Mr. Green, Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard. This chair… * indicates the head * …was vacant. Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter. * points at various chairs * And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter--
Squeaks: We know all of that! What of it?
D'gal: The point is--blackmail!
Ferdie: But all this came out after dinner…in the study!
D'gal: You're right!
He heads into the Hall. The party runs across the hall to the study.
The butler rushes around the room, pointing at different locations.
D'gal: Mr. Green stood here, and Mrs. Peacock here, and Miss Scarlet here, and Professor Plum here, and Colonel Mustard, and Mrs. White, and--
Everyone: Get on with it!!!
D'gal: I'm getting there, I'm getting there!! And Mr. Boddy went to get his surprise packages from the Hall. And you all opened your presents. * he shuts the door * And Mr. Boddy switched out the lights!
D'gal turns off the lights. Several screams can be heard. The lights are flipped back on.
D'gal is lying on the floor, and the guests, tired of all this, react with disgust.
Iiwi: Maybe he's actually dead and we can all leave.
The butler opens his eyes. They collectively groan.
D'gal: Mr. Boddy lay on the floor, apparently dead.
Squeaks: He was dead! I examined him!
D'gal: Then why was he bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if he was dead already?
Squeaks: All right, I made a mistake!
D'gal: Right! But if so, why was Mr. Boddy pretending to be dead? * more quietly * It could only be because he realized his scheme had misfired, and the gunshot was intended to kill him, not me. Look. * points at blood on one of Mr. Boddy's ear lobes * The bullet grazed his ear.
Ferdie: But ducks don't have ears…
D'gal: Clearly his best way of escaping Death was to pretend to be dead already.
Squeaks: So whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill HIM!
D'gal: But remember what happened next.
He goes to the door and picks up the glass from a table.
D'gal: Colonel Mustard took a drink. * points at Squeaks * You said, "Maybe it's poisoned!" He screams!
D'gal screams in falsetto. He takes Bob, who helpfully starts to scream. The butler sits him down on the couch.
D'gal: Mrs. Peacock. . .
D'gal slaps Bob and then he imitates Bobetta.
D'gal: Try and show a little dignity, darling . . . * back to himself * Then…more screaming…Yvette, in the billiard room! We all rushed out!
As they do now. Once inside the room, D'gal sits on the pool table. The guests gather around the door.
D'gal: But one of us… * dramatic pause * …wasn't here.
Bob: The murderer!
D'gal: Indeed. Maybe one of us was murdering the cook. Who wasn't here with us?
The guests pause.
Ferdie: Do you know?
D'gal: * with certainty * I do. * continues at his breathless rate * While we stood here, trying to stop Yvette from panicking . . .
He rushes for the study.
D'gal: . . . one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger . . . * he does so *
He then go running down the hall, past the others, who have just caught up with him.
D'gal: . . . run down the hall . . .
He continues on into the kitchen, with everyone lagging behind.
D'gal: . . . and stabbed the cook!
He plunges the dagger into a chicken as the guests arrive at the door.
Ferdia: * panting * I think you're enjoying this way too much.
Ferdie: I don't get it. How could he risk it? We might have seen him running back.
D'gal goes over to the freezer and pushes open the back of the freezer, exposing the kitchen/study secret passage.
D'gal: Not if they used this secret passage.
Bobetta gasps.
D'gal: And the murderer ran back down the secret passage to the study.
D'gal leaves the kitchen for the hall. The others quickly follow him to the study.
Ferdia: * yelling * Is that where it comes out?
D'gal: * yelling back * Yes! Look!
They enter the study and D'gal goes over to one end of the room. He pushes open the picture.
Ferdie: Wha--?
Bob: How did you know?
D'gal: This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along.
Squeaks: So you could be the murderer.
Bob: Ah-hah! I was right!
D'gal: * laughing * Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?
Bob started to speak, but then deflates, unable to respond.
Bob: Nuts.
Ferdie: Well . . . who else knew about the secret passage?
Iiwi: * hits Bob* We found it. Colonel Mustard and me.
Bob: You found it. You could have known about it all the time.
Iiwi: But I didn't!
Ferdie: A likely story.
Iiwi: You want a piece of me, coward-boy?
Bobetta: Well, why should we believe you?
D'gal: Because she was with us all in the billiard room doorway while Yvette was screaming, don't you remember?
Ferdia: What I don't understand is, why was the cook murdered? She had nothing to do with Mr. Boddy.
D'gal: Of course she did. * conspiratorial tone * I gathered you all here together because you were all implicated in Mr. Boddy's dastardly blackmail. Did none of you deduce that the others were involved, too?
Evidently no one had. They all began to look suspiciously at one another.
Bobetta: What others?
D'gal: The cook. And Yvette.
Ferdie: No! But she was so…
Ferdia: Don't finish that thought.
D'gal: That's how he got all his information. Before he could blackmail anyone, Mr. Boddy had to discover their guilty secrets. The cook and Yvette were his accomplices!
Bob: * brightly * I see! So . . . whoever knew . . . that the cook was involved . . . killed her?
D'gal: First intelligent thing you've said all night.
Bobetta: I'm so proud of you, darling.
Bob looks very pleased with himself.
Squeaks: * skeptically * But how can you be certain of that?
D'gal: I know, because I was Mr. Boddy's butler, that the cook had worked for one of you.
The guests ask who it was. D'gal just smiles knowingly.
D'gal: * to Ferdia * You recognized Yvette, didn't you? Don't deny it.
Ferdia: What do you mean, "don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything.
Ferdie: Another denial!
Ferdia sticks her tongue out at Ferdie.
Ferdia: All right, it's true. I knew Yvette. My husband sort of had an… affair with her. But I didn't care, I wasn't… jealous.
Ferdie: How does a person “sort of” have an affair?
Ferdia: The same way you “sort of” have a brain.
D'gal: * to Iiwi * You knew Yvette, too, didn't you?
Iiwi: Yes. She worked for me. * shrugging * She was a good distraction for anyone who might have caused me trouble.
D'gal: * to Bob * And you also knew her, sir. We've already established that you were one of Miss Scarlet's clients. That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives. Photographs of your and Yvette's midnight rendezvous for the exchange of the afore mentioned coffee press.
Bobetta: * perturbed * Oh, darling. The shame of it.
Bob: No, it meant nothing! She tempted me! It was so...shiny!
Ferdia: I think I may barf.
Squeaks: * to D'gal * So, he had the motive.
D'gal: You all had a motive.
Ferdie: But where and when was Mr. Boddy killed?
D'gal: Don't you see? * he grabs Ferdie * Look, we came back to the study with Yvette. Mr. Boddy was on the floor . . .
D'gal trips Ferdie to the floor where Drake come Mr. Boddy had been lying.
D'gal: . . . pretending to be dead. But one of us noticed he's alive. So. I explained that I was Mr. Boddy's butler, and I'd invited you here, and we realized there was only one other person in the house.
Everyone: The cook!
By the time they said this, D'gal has left the guests far behind. Everyone runs up the hall to the kitchen.
The guests enter, breathless. Ferdie runs to the freezer, just like he did before. But there's no D'gal.
Ferdie: Well, where is he?
The freezer door opens. Bobetta screams. D'gal, looking quite dead, falls into Ferdie's arms. Ferdie now screams and drops him onto the floor. D'gal opens his eyes.
D'gal: By now, the cook was dead. We laid him down with our backs to the freezer. One of us slipped through the same secret passage…
Bob: Again..?
D'gal: Of course! Back to the study!
Bobetta: Could we please take a break?
They all run out. D'gal, once in the study, acts as if he had just entered the study from the secret passage.
D'gal: The murderer was in the secret passage. Meanwhile, Mr. Boddy . . .
D'gal again throws Ferdie to the floor.
D'gal: …had been on the floor. He jumped up . . .
The butler picks up Ferdie, then lets him fall again.
D'gal: …the murderer came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick…
D'gal acts as if he has just picked up the object and starts to run toward Ferdie, who panics and runs out the door. D'gal is pursuing a frightened Ferdie up the hall, toward the bathroom.
D'gal: Mr. Boddy followed us out of the study into the hall, looking for an escape. The murderer crept up behind him and . . . killed him!!
D'gal firmly brings his fist down upon Ferdie's head. Ferdie falls.
Ferdie: Will you stop that!!
D'gal: * smiling * No.
Squeaks: * to Ferdia * Aren't you going to do something about this?
Ferdia: Shh. I might miss something.
The butler grabs Ferdie and proceeds to the bathroom.
D'gal: Then . . . the murderer threw him into the toilet!
Ferdie: No! Mr. Boddy...!
Ignoring the bluebird's cries, D'gal slams the door shut and leans against the frame, pretending to check a watch.
D'gal: And, with that, the murderer nonchalantly rejoined us beside the cook's body in the kitchen. It took less than half a minute.
Bob: So… who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen?
D'gal: Whoever it was, is the murderer!
He runs off. The bathroom door opens and Ferdie comes screaming out and latches onto Squeaks. As the others follow D'gal back to the study, the mouse attempts to remove the terrified bird from his person.
D'gal was already talking when they stumbled back in behind him.
Iiwi: Could the murderer please do me a favor and kill me before all this running does.
D'gal: And we put the weapons in the cupboard, locked it, and ran to the front door . . .
He runs out, almost colliding with the just-arrived guests. They reverse direction. Wadsworth opens the front door and makes as if throwing the key away.
D'gal: …To throw away the key! * pauses * The motorist! I didn't throw the key away; I put it in my pocket. And someone could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another!
Squeaks: * puffing * We were all in a huddle. Any one of us could have done that!
D'gal: Precisely.
He slams the front door.
Ferdie: Wait a minute . . . Colonel Mustard has a top-secret Pentagon job. Mrs. White's husband was a nuclear physicist, and . . . * runs to the billiard room and points in * . . . Yvette is a link between them.
Ferdia: Hey, what about Scarlet?
Squeaks: * to Bob * What is your top-secret job, Colonel?
D'gal: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.
Bobetta gasps.
Bob: I am?
Ferdia: I am not comforted by this revelation.
Ferdie: How exactly do you know that?
D'gal: * to Ferdie * Can you keep a secret?
Ferdie: * leaning in * Yes.
D'gal: So can I.
Bobetta: Is this a plot between them, Wadsworth, or did Colonel Mustard do it alone?
Bob begins to wail and collapses into Iiwi's arms. She drops him on the floor.
D'gal: We shall see. Let's look at the other murders.
Ferdie: Yes. Bad luck that that motorist arrived at that moment.
D'gal: * amusedly * It wasn't luck…I invited him.
Squeaks: Who didn't see that coming?
Bob: I didn't.
D'gal: Of course. It's obvious. Everyone here tonight was either Mr. Boddy's victim or accomplice. Everyone who has died gave him vital information about one of you. I got them here so they'd give evidence against him and force him to confess.
Ferdia: And the fact that they were all the same person…
Iiwi: What kind of information did he have?
D'gal: He was Colonel Mustard's driver during the war.
Bob is sitting, weeping, in a chair.
Squeaks: And what was he holding over you?
Bob: He knew that I was a war profiteer. I stole essential Air Force supplies, and I sold them
on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer!
Bobetta: Well, a lot of our airmen died because their radios didn't work!
Bob: * looking shocked * Radio parts? I was selling imported Columbian coffee that was supposed to go to the soldiers. Those poor souls. Never a fresh pot of brew before going off to battle. I'm so ashamed!
He goes back to weeping. Ferdie sighs with disgust as he pats Bob on the shoulder.
Ferdia: Was the policeman working for Mr. Boddy, too?
Iiwi: The cop was from Washington. He was on my payroll. I bribed him once a week so I could carry on with business. Mr. Boddy found out somehow . . .
Bobetta: * revolted * Oh, my God . . .
Iiwi: * annoyed * Oh, please.
Ferdie: And . . . the singing telegram?
The rain has stopped. They open the door and look at the singing telegram's corpse.
Squeaks: * quietly * He was my patient once. He knew about my…well, the fact that I was here rather than… * looking up * …there. That's how I lost my license. Mr. Boddy found that out, too.
Solemn pause.
D'gal: Well . . . * cheerfully claps hands together * …let's bring him in from the cold.
They drag the body off the front step and drop it behind the door.
D'gal: So, now you all know why they died. Whoever killed Mr. Boddy also wanted his accomplices dead.
Squeaks: How did the murderer know about them all? I mean, I admit that I had guessed that this young singer informed on me to Mr. Boddy . . . but I didn't know anything about any of you until this evening.
D'gal: First, the murder needed to get the weapons. Easy. He stole the key from my pocket. And then we all followed Colonel Mustard's suggestion that we split up and search the house.
Bobetta: That's right, it was Colonel Mustard's suggestion!
Bob: Hey! Stop picking on me! * tragically * And to think I loved you once…
D'gal: And one of us got away from his or her partner and hurried to the study. On the desk was the envelope from Mr. Boddy. It contained photographs and letters--the evidence of Mr. Boddy's network of informants.
Ferdie: Where is the envelope now?
D'gal: Gone. Destroyed. * looks around, then steps to the fireplace * Perhaps in the fire . . . * throws aside the grate * The only possible place. * pulls out the remnants of the tape made earlier * Ah-hah! Then, having found out the whole story, the murderer went to the cupboard, unlocked it with the key, took out the wrench…
Iiwi: * breathless * Then we found the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge . . . where we found the motorist dead!
Ferdie: Mustard again. This looks bad for you, chap. * claps Bob on the shoulders *
D'gal frantically acts out the next scene.
D'gal: Then you two became trapped in the room and we couldn't get in. So Yvette rain to the open cupboard, and I shot the door open. BANG! And then, the doorbell rang!
The doorbell rings. Everyone freezes in surprise.
Bobetta: Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away, or they'll be killed! Ohhh!
She runs out to the hall and opens the front door.
Drake, this time as an evangelist, stands outside, pamphlets in hand. The others come up behind Bobetta and sigh in disgust.
Drake, on the other hand, takes one look at them and begins to slam his head on the doorframe.
D'gal: Please don't do that. We've just had it painted.
Drake: No! No more! No more phone call! No more being locked up! I'm not coming in! You can't make me! You all are sick people and will go down for being accomplices to this mad man!
Bobetta: * stunned * What?
Drake: I'm on to your little game. Nice to my face, then put a knife in my back!
Ferdia: Actually, that only happened just the one time.
Drake: Gaah! This is the end! I'm finished!
Squeaks: And yet, you keep coming back for more.
D'gal: Delightful, isn't it.
Bobetta tries to shut the door on him.
Bobetta: Go away! Get out of here before you get killed, too!
Drake: Looking, you are all in danger. Come now, and repent for tonight's evil doings. Your reputations are in danger!
The red bird storms up to the door.
Iiwi: Our lives our in danger, you nut case!
Drake: But..!
Iiwi: SCRAM!!!
Drake's eyes go wide with fear, he turns in one quick motion and runs off the porch. A few of his pamphlets float in through the door. Iiwi shuts the door behind him.
D'gal: Shoot, that was not fun. Anyway… * continuing as if nothing had happened *…the cop arrived next, we locked him in the library. We forgot the cupboard with the weapons was now unlocked, then we split up again, and the murderer switched off the electricity!
Running to the end of the hall, he does so. Everything goes black.
Ferdie: Oh, my God.
Bobetta squeals.
Outside the house, off in the distance, there is a scream.
Ferdia: Not again.
Iiwi: * very annoyed * Turn on the lights!!!
D'gal turns on the lights.
D'gal: * evil grin * Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you.
Ferdie: You're a bit late for that! * to Bobetta * I hate it when he does that!
Squeaks: At least no one is dead this time.
Bob: Then what was that scream?
Bobetta whimpers.
D'gal: So, when the lights came back on, we found there had been three more murders.
Ferdia: So which of us killed them?
D'gal: None of us killed Mr. Boddy, or the cook.
Bob: So who did?
Squeaks: Obviously, whoever wasn't with us.
The guests try to figure it out.
D'gal: * getting fed up * Yvette.
Everyone: Yvette?!
Ferdie: No! I refuse to believe that such an innocent young hen could be capable…
Iiwi: Innocent? Don't delude yourself.
D'gal: Scarlet is correct. Yvette was in the billiard room, listening to our conversation. She heard the gunshot . . . she thought he was dead. And while we all examined the bullet hole, she crept into the study, picked up the dagger . . . ran to the kitchen, and stabbed the cook.
Squeaks: We didn't hear the cook scream because Mustard was screaming about the "poisoned" brandy.
D'gal: Exactly. Then, Yvette returned to the billiard room. She screamed . . . And we all ran to her.
Ferdie: Well, when did she kill Mr. Boddy?
Bob: Elementary, my dear Green. The answer is obvious.
They all stand in silence, staring at Bob.
Bob: What? I said the answer was obvious, not that I knew it.
D'gal: * sighing * As I explained before, when we all ran to the kitchen to see the cook. Yvette hid in the study to check that Mr. Boddy was dead.
Ferdia: So, when Mr. Boddy thought he was alone and it was safe to get up, Yvette came out of hiding, chased him into the hall, and hit him with the candlestick. Once he was dead, she dragged him into the toilet.
Ferdie: But why? Why would she do something like that?
D'gal: To create confusion!
Iiwi: It worked.
Bob, with a bewildered expression on his face, nods.
Squeaks: I'm sorry, but she must have some other reason. A more logical reason?
D'gal: Well, sure, if you want to get technical about it.
Iiwi: How much time do we have to figure this out before the police arrive?
D'gal: Fine. Where was I? Ah, yes. Was it because she was acting under orders? From the person who later killed her.
Bob: Who?!
Bobetta: Who?!
Ferdie: Who?!
D'gal: Was it one of her clients? * turns to Bob * Or was it a jealous wife? * turns to Ferdia*
Ferdia: I wasn't jealous!!!
D'gal: Or perhaps a deceitful doctor? * turns to Squeaks * No. It was her employer, Miss Scarlet.
Iiwi: That's a lie!!
D'gal: Is it? You used her, the way you always used her. You killed the motorist when we split up to search the house.
Iiwi: How could I have known about the secret passage? Mustard and I found it together.
Bob: Hey, don't go dragging me into this.
D'gal: Easy. Yvette told you. So when we split up again, you switched off the electricity. It was easy for you, here on the ground floor. Then, in the dark, you got the lead pipe and the rope, strangled Yvette, ran to the library, killed the cop, picked up the gun where Yvette dropped it, opened the front door, recognized the singing telegram from his photograph, and shot him.
Ferdie: There were pictures of the singing telegram? Doing what?
D'gal: Does it really matter by this point?
Ferdie: Eh, guess not. Go on with your accusation.
D'gal: Thank you.
Iiwi: You've no proof.
D'gal: The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer.
Bob: What if we don't have any pants on?
Squeaks: Just your jacket pockets, then.
They all do so.
Suddenly, Iiwi pulls out the revolver. She points it at D'gal.
Iiwi: Brilliantly worked out, Wadsworth. I congratulate you. I'm not used to anyone figuring out my dealings.
D'gal shrugs off the praise. Iiwi starts to slowly make her way to the front door.
Bob: Shoot, and I was so sure that Wadsworth was guilty.
Ferdie: Can we leave now?
Bobetta: I think I need some shopping therapy after this.
Iiwi: Shut up!!!
Ferdia: Now, there's one thing I don't understand.
Squeaks: Just ONE thing?
Ferdia: Why did you do it? Half of Washington knows what kind of business you run. You were in no real danger. The whole town would be implicated if you were exposed.
Iiwi: I don't think they know my real business. My business is secrets. Yvette found them out for me. The secrets of Senator Peacock's defense committee, of Colonel Mustard's fusion bomb, Professor Plum's U.N. contacts, and the work of Mr. White, the nuclear physicist.
Ferdia: Can we PLEASE stop talking about him?
Bob: So, you steal political secrets. Why? What's in it for you?
Ferdie: You are so dense, sometimes.
Iiwi: Duh. I'm a thief and a capitalist. And I'm gonna sell my secrets, your secrets, to the highest bidder.
Squeaks: And what if we don't cooperate?
Iiwi: You will. Or I'll expose you.
Bobetta: I refuse to undress in public!
Bob: Again, no pants.
Ferdie: I'm pretty sure that's not what she meant.
Iiwi: Can we be serious!?! I'm threatening your lives here!
Squeaks: We could expose you. Six murders . . . ?
Iiwi: * composing herself * I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N., Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have not only been implicated in a fraud scandal, but in the death of the informant. * she aims the revolver at him * And the deaths of five other people?
Squeaks: * shrugs * You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N. I might go up in their estimation.
Bob starts toward Iiwi. She brings the revolver around to bear on him.
Bob: It is no good blackmailing me, madam. I'm a hero and would never pay!
The others look at him skeptically.
Bob: Fine, I have no more money!
The guests agree, claiming the same thing.
Iiwi: I know that, hero. But you can pay me in government secrets. * she waves the revolver around *
All of you.
She pauses, then walks to D'gal. She points the revolver at him.
Iiwi: Except you, Wadsworth. You, as a mere butler, have no access to government secrets. * she cocks the gun * So I'm afraid your moment has come.
D'gal: No so fast, Miss Scarlet. I do have a secret or two.
Iiwi: Oh yeah? Such as?
D'gal: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Iiwi: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
D'gal: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Then two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Iiwi: That's not six.
D'gal: One plus two plus two plus one.
Ferdie: His math is correct.
Iiwi stops and thinks.
Iiwi: Uh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
D'gal: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.
Ferdia: Wait, how many shots did get the chandelier? I remember diving for cover…
Squeaks: Don't ask me. I was on the floor, writhing in pain, at the time.
Bob: Two. I distinctly remember being shot at twice.
Ferdie: Not, Scarlet's right. There was only one shot at the chandelier, then two more for the doors.
Bobetta: Oh, the horror! That was when my poor darling was killed!
Squeaks: He's still alive.
Bob: Go back. I can't add this quickly in my head.
Iiwi: Okay, fine. * thinking out loud * One plus two plus one… * angered * Stop! Everyone shut up! The point is, there's one bullet left in this gun, and guess who's going to get it? * levels gun at D'gal *
The doorbell rings.
Iiwi is distracted by it. D'gal turns her arm around, taking the gun and forcing her to kneel on the floor.
Ferdie runs for the door and opens it. He is flattened behind it as the door forcefully swings open.
Ivan, Lita and the Sign Holder come through the door, wearing business suites. Ivan pulls out a gun and levels it at D'gal.
Bob: * puts his hands in the air * I'm only a guest!
Ivan: Quiet, Zero. Okay, duck, let her up.
D'gal put his hands up in the air and Iiwi dusts herself off as she gets to her feet. She takes the gun back from D'gal.
Squeaks: Okay, wait. What's going on here?
Ferdie: I thought the police were supposed to come?
D'gal: So did I.
Ivan: Change of plans.
Lita: * snickering * It's amazing what switching a few road signs can do.
Sign Holder just innocently whistles.
Ferdia: So, what happens now?
Iiwi: Nice timing, partner.
Ivan: You get the information?
Iiwi: You bet.
Bob: Okay, confused again.
Iiwi: When I got that letter, I figured I wasn't going to be the only one here. So called my friend here…* indicating Ivan * …and we decided to make use of situation.
Ivan: * to D'gal * Very convenient of you to set all this up for us.
Iiwi: So like I said, all of you will be providing me with secrets. Except… * to D'gal * …Wadsworth, don't hate me for shooting you . . .
D'gal: Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn. As I was trying to tell you, there are no bullets left in that gun.
Iiwi: Really? Allow me to disagree.
She aims the gun at D'gal and gets ready to pull the trigger. D'gal smiles.
D'gal: Stunt Double!
Out of nowhere, he pulls another Drake into the path of the gun, just as Iiwi pulls the trigger.
Drake: What…Ahhh!!!
Drake drops onto the floor. Dead. Yet again.
Squeaks: Okay, this is getting really played out.
Sign Holder: Didn't we see him run off a cliff outside, just as we pulled up?
Iiwi is perplexed. D'gal just grins at the body at his feet.
D'gal: * cheerfully * Guess I was wrong. Good thing I had a backup plan.
Bob: * counting on his fingers * . . .plus two, plus one . . . is--
Iiwi: Okay, I've had it. Let's get out of here.
Ivan: Pack it in, kids. We're outta here.
They leave, the Sign Holder trailing behind his boss. Lita pauses at the door to cheerfully wave before exiting.
The others stand in stunned silence.
Ferdia: That's it? She gets away scott-free?
Ferdie: I guess crime does pay.
D'gal: Well, I guess we should clean up before going our separate ways.
Bob: No! This can't be right! I demand an ending where the fiend gets what's coming to him!
Death: OKAY. I'LL TRY AGAIN. HOW ABOUT THIS?
Back to when D'gal has just turned on the lights for the second time.
D'gal: In the dark, the murderer ran across the hall to the study, picked up the rope, and the lead pipe. Ran to the billiard room. Strangled Yvette . . . * he demonstrates on Ferdie * . . . ran to library, hit the cop on the head with the lead pipe. * also demonstrates on Ferdie, who has just gotten up * Then, coming out of the library, the doorbell rang--it was the singing telegram. The murderer picked up the gun where Yvette dropped it, ran to the door, opened it, recognized him from the pictures, shot him…
Bob: …and ran back to the cellar!
Everyone: * confused * The cellar?
Bob: Yes!
Bobetta: You mean Prof. Plum did it?
Bob: No. * accusingly * You did.
She gasps.
Ferdie: * looking to D'gal * Is that right?
The black duck just shrugs in response.
Bob: You murdered them all. Desperate to get rid of all evidence of a scandal, you started with the people who could do you the most harm! Mr. Boddy and the cook!
Ferdie: Neh?
Squeaks: But I'm pretty sure she was with us…
Bob: Nope. First she tried to grab the gun in the dark, then she killed the cook who had leaked her secret to Mr. Boddy.
D'gal: Well, he is correct with that part. Do you recall at dinner Mrs. Peacock telling you all that you were eating one of her favorite recipes? And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.
Ferdie: Is that what we ate? Urp!
He covers his mouth, looking very queasy.
Bobetta: * defensively * Why would I have murdered all of the others?
Bob: Obviously, in case Mr. Boddy had told them about you.
Squeaks: So it has all nothing to do with the disappearing nuclear physicist and Colonel Mustard's work on the new fusion bomb.
Ferdia: He didn't disappear. His head was cut off.
They all looked at her.
Ferdia: What!?!
Bob: Stay focused! No, Mrs. Peacock did it all.
Bobetta: Darling, how could you accuse me? Me!
D'gal: Well, there is one way to settle this. The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun, is the murderer.
Bobetta whisks open her purse. It only contains several jeweled bracelets.
Bobetta: See! No gun!
Squeaks: There goes that theory.
Bob: No, I'm right! She must have it hidden somewhere else! Search her!
He goes over and tries to pat her gown.
Bobetta: Keep your hands off me.
Ferdia: That's enough. She doesn't have it. Someone else must.
Ferdia grabs Bob's arm and pulls him away from Bobetta. He struggles to get his jacket arm free, and during the scuffle, the gun falls from his pocket. Everyone gasps.
Bob: Heh. Now how did that get there?
D'gal: Because it was you all along. You recognized Yvette when I brought you into the library. Suspecting what the evenings' events were to be, you threatened her into confessing to you and telling you where the secret passages were. Then you saw Mrs. Peacock. That was your undoing.
Bob: I don't know what you're talking about!
D'gal: Really? And here I must have imagined you trying to pin the whole thing onto the very woman who jilted your love for another man.
Bobetta: You tried to frame me? That's it! The weddings off!
Bob hangs his head down, then covers his face. They thought he was crying, but then he starts to giggle. He throws back his head and begins to laugh aloud.
Bob: Muwah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YES! YES ! It's all true!!!
Ferdie: Oh, boy. He's snapped.
Squeaks: Okay, everyone just calm down. I'm sure we can work this out…
Bob: * quickly stoops down and grabs the gun * No! No! She betrayed me. * points at Bobetta * I loved you. I worshipped you! And this is how you treat me?
Ferdia: I, frankly, would have suspected his sanity to have been engaged to her in the first place.
Ferdie: But…I thought none of us had met before tonight?
D'gal: Will you stop pointing out the plot holes, and just go with it?
Iiwi: Huh?
D'gal: Nothing. So… * clapping his hands together * shall we get this mess cleaned up so we can all leave?
Ferdie: But the police will be here any minute. What happens then?
D'gal: Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.
Everyone is shocked.
Bob: * one eye twitching * No…police…
D'gal: * smiling * That's right. Now, I suggest that we stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly, one at a time, and pretend than none of this has ever happened.
Bob: Heh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good idea! And I'll be taking my darling with me!
He grabs Bobetta and points the gun at her.
Bobetta: Hey! This is now way to treat a lady!
Iiwi: Let her go!
Bob: * erratically brandishing the gun * No one move 'til we are safely away! That won't be a problem, will it?
Bobetta whimpers.
D'gal: Be my guest.
The doorbell rings. Bob whirls around, and accidentally fires the gun up in the air. Unarmed now, Ferdia fly tackles him from behind as Ferdie runs for the door. He is flattened behind it as it forcefully swings open, revealing Beak in a trench coat.
Squeaks: What are you doing here?
Beak: * sighing * I sensed that something was amiss with him. * points to Bob *
Bob is attempting to wiggle free of Ferdia as she pulls him to his feet.
Bob: No! This can't be happening! I'm the hero! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Beak: * sternly to Bob * You have been very bad.
Bob's bottom lip begins to tremble and his eyes mist in a chibi fashion. He then collapses into Beak's arms.
Bob: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Beak: Please stop. You're getting my coat soggy.
Bob sniffles and wipes away a few tears, but composes himself.
D'gal: I told you I didn't do it.
Ferdie: There's still one thing I don't understand.
Ferdia: ONE thing?
Ferdie: Who does he work for? * points to Beak *
Beak: The Great BaNAna, of course. We have operatives everywhere, and we always get our man.
Bob: Mrs. Peacock was a man?!
Beak slaps him, then Ferdie does the same. Bob falls onto the floor.
D'gal: * looking down, then shrugs * Would anyone care for fruit or . . . dessert?
Bob: * jumping up * No! I demand a re-write! The story can't end this way! I can't be the murderer! It's against the rules!
Death: FINE. HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED . . .
Back, again, to where D'gal switches on the lights, like in the other two endings.
D'gal: Sorry, didn't mean to frighten anyone.
Ferdie: You're a bit late for that!!
D'gal: Anyway, then, there were three more murders.
Everyone: *very frustrated by this point * So who did it!?!
D'gal paces then length of the hall.
D'gal: Let's consider each murder one by one. Professor Plum, you knew that Mr. Boddy was still alive.
Even psychiatrists can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead. You fired the gun at him in the dark and missed, so you pretended he was dead. That's how you were able to kill him later, unobserved.
Squeaks: Look, I'll admit I lied about him being dead. I was trying to protect him from whoever tried to grab the gun from me. I did NOT shoot at him! Or bludgeon him!
Bob: A likely story! He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!
Ferdia: Actually, no. He was standing next to me.
D'gal: And who killed the cook?
Squeaks: I didn't!!
Bobetta: You don't expect us to believe that, do you?
D'gal: I expect you to believe it. You killed the cook. She used to be your cook, and she informed on you to Mr. Boddy. You made one fatal mistake! Sitting at dinner, Mrs. Peacock told us that she was eating one of her favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.
Ferdie 'urps' and goes running for the bathroom. He screams, as he has forgotten what else is in there.
Bobetta: I didn't! I didn't even know about the secret passage!
D'gal: Then the motorist arrived! And Colonel Mustard, upon recognizing him, took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then you suggested that we all split up. You separated from Miss Scarlet, crossed the Hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the conservatory, entered the lounge through the secret passage, killed the motorist with a blow on the head.
He smacked Ferdie in the head again to emphasize his point.
Ferdie: Cut…It…OUT!!!
Bob: No! Scarlet left me! Then I went and found her again! I'm innocent!
Ferdia: * exasperated * This is unbelievable!
D'gal: Not so unbelievable as what happened next!
He starts up the stairs.
D'gal: After we all split up again, I went upstairs with you, yes, you, Mrs. White!
The butler stops on the landing.
D'gal: And, while I was in the master bedroom, you hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the open cupboard, and throttled Yvette. You WERE jealous that your husband was schtuping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!
Ferdia: Okay, first, nobody “schtuped” anyone. She brought plutonium to him, courtesy of Miss Scarlet, it would seem.
Iiwi: * shrugs * Girl's got to make a living.
Ferdie: Wouldn't the government have supplied him with some?
Ferdia: They might have, if he was any good at being a physicist. His grant was cut off, so he resorted to the black market to continue his research. And when you are funding your own research, accidents can happen…
D'gal: * cutting her off * And while she were in the billiard room, Miss Scarlet seized the opportunity and, under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop, whom she'd been bribing, on the head with the lead pipe!
Iiwi: And how did I unlock the door to the study, Perry Mason?
D'gal: Leaving only one last death; that of the singing telegram. So it must have been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!
Ferdie: I didn't do it!
D'gal: Well, there's nobody else left.
Ferdia: Except that none of us committed the rest of the murders.
Bob: Yeah, I will admit, Green doesn't do to well around dead people.
Squeaks: Or living.
Ferdie: The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun, shot the singing telegram!
All the guests turn out their pockets and purses. No one has the gun. They all look pointedly at D'gal.
D'gal: Oh, fine. * removes gun from his jacket pocket * I shot him.
Ferdia: * dryly * Gee…
Squeaks: * just as dryly * …Shocking.
Ferdie: What about the other murders? Did you actually do those, too?
D'gal: You got me.
Bob: See? See? I was right! Ha-ha! The butler did it! * to D'gal * I was going to expose you!
D'gal: I know. So I choose to expose myself.
Bobetta: Please, there are ladies present!
D'gal: You thought Mr. Boddy was dead. But why? None of you even met him until tonight.
Squeaks understands.
Squeaks: You're Mr. Boddy!
D'gal grins and starts to chuckle evilly.
Ferdie: Wait a minute! * he runs to the bathroom door * So, who's this guy?
D'gal shrugs.
D'gal: My butler.
Ferdie: Huh. Guess that makes sense…
D'gal uses the revolver to wave Ferdie back to the group.
D'gal: He was expendable, they all were. And it was so enjoyable to kill him, over and over. Though it's a shame the last one got away. And you all make convenient patsies to pin all of this on.
Ferdia: This all has nothing to do with my be-headed nuclear physicist husband or Colonel Mustard's work with the new top-secret fusion bomb.
D'gal: No. This was all about me having an enjoyable evening.
D'gal moves toward the front door, keeping the revolver trained on the party.
Ferdie: But, the police will be here any minute! You'll never get away with this.
D'gal: Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.
Ferdia: You mean . . . oh, my God, of course!
D'gal: So why shouldn't I get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.
Squeaks looks at him sternly.
Squeaks: And you'll just go on blackmailing us all.
D'gal: Of course. Why not?
Ferdia: We'll just see about that. * starts to ball up her fists *
But, before she can do anything, the door swings open behind D'gal. Duck officers coming running in, followed by Drake and Mallard.
Drake: Hold it right there, criminal!
Mallard: This little party is over. We're taking you into our custody.
Ferdie: I thought he didn't call the police.
Drake: Maybe not, but I did call in the cavalry while you had me locked in the library.
Bob: * whispering to Iiwi * Is this in the script?
Iiwi: I stopped trying to keep up three pages ago.
Drake: Quiet! * to D'gal * You're going to be put on trial for treason, Vycerian. There is no escape this time.
D'gal: You don't say.
Suddenly, there is a crash from the back of the house. The ducks, now distracted, take their weapons off D'gal. He aims the revolver at Drake, who cannot move out of the way fast enough. But Squeaks comes up and tackles the black duck, his shot going wild.
Then a new character comes running into the hall. Everyone looks up in shock.
Jesmynne: Charles!
Ferdia: Now, who is she supposed to be?
D'gal: My wife, of course.
Jesmynne snarls at everyone and begins to wildly shoot at everyone. As the ducks dive for cover to escape being perforated, Squeaks grabs the da Birdies and rushes into the study. Bob grabs Bobetta and Iiwi, and they escape into the study as well. The scene became a firefight as Jesmynne tosses D'gal a blaster and the ducks try to surround their enemies. No one notices the surviving chandelier spinning overhead.
Drake: This isn't supposed to happen! You're supposed to die!
D'gal: I'm not complaining.
The others watch in amazement as D'gal and Jesmynne leave a bloody massacre behind them.
Ferdie: Should we do something?
Bob: I'm not heroic enough to get into the middle of this.
Ferdia: I agree.
She picks up a chair and hurls it through the nearest window. Then, after kicking out the jagged pieces, she turns to the others.
Ferdia: Coming?
Ferdie: Don't have to ask me twice.
Bobetta: Ladies first!
Squeaks helps boost the other guests up from the floor and out. Before escaping himself, he looks back into the hall.
D'gal and Jesmynne have effectively slaughtered the squadron, and Drake is now chasing them as Mallard calls for re-enforcements.
Drake: Get back here, terrorists!
And, with one final 'snap,' the chandelier crashes down on top of him. Squeaks shakes his head.
Squeaks: You poor, stupid duck.
Then he goes out the window.
FINE…
From inside the hall closet of Hill House, there is a knocking sound.
Gracie: Hello? Miss Bobetta? I'm getting cold in here! Anyone? Help!
Death: I LOVE MY JOB.
“Shake, Rattle, and Roll” starts to play as Death dances down the hall and disappears into the shadows.