End of the Beginning
Iiwi: No! I don't care what anyone says, I am not staying!
Ferdie: Oh, I was just having some fun
Ivan: You are a sick, sick bird.
Ferdia: And that's coming from the Mafia Lord.
When last we saw our heroes, Iiwi received the shock of her life.
And considering she was once a showgirl who witnessed a group of grisly murders, that's saying something.
Iiwi: Hey! Was not, did not! That's defamation of character!
Squeaks: Is anyone besides me becoming concerned that the author of this little trip has developed two distinct personalities and is arguing with us?
Bob: Is anyone besides me concerned that is an un-coffinated world!?!
Iiwi: Bob, Ivan was lying to you. We don't know for certain whether or not they have coffee here.
Bob: Well, of course that would make sense, Ivan being a villain and all.
Ivan: You're right, hero. I was lying. And do you know why? Because I'm evil!
Ferdia: So in summation, we don't know where we are, we only have a vague idea of where we are going, we have to put up with Evil Princess Pink, and no one is letting me blow anything up. Can we go home yet?
Well, this story is going from bad to worse.
Isn't it great! Let's keep the ball rolling.
So the group continues to trudge along. There is a greater sense of calm now that Ferdie has rejoined their ranks, however frightening his new persona might be. And to keep Bob from serenading them with his own rendition of Ninety-nine pairs of stinky feet in the bed, the others pass the time by filling Prince Phil in with what had occurred after his rather abrupt departure.
Squeaks: It was the strangest thing. One minute you were preparing to run for the hills, the next Beak appeared in your armor, ready to smack D'gal into next Tuesday.
Drake: Mrehn bvhglhfitd hevdgt. * Translation: And well he would have deserved it. *
Ferdia: Drake, stop trying to help. No one can understand a thing you say.
Beak: I can, but it is taking a great deal of mental fatigue.
Ivan: Considering it's Drake, I wouldn't be surprised if his lack of IQ acts like a black hole.
Ferdia: Anyway! After a bit of fighting and Bobetta's arrival, D'gal decided he wanted to leave and 'poof,' he was gone too.
Ivan: Iiwi tried to do the same thing, but, as you can see, was rather unsuccessful.
Iiwi: Ivan, how would you like to eat that purple wig?
Sign Holder: I think she'd serious, sir.
Squeaks: Sigh. So, Bob was left in his place, but we still need to find D'gal back before it's too late.
Ferdia: And we still haven't found this stupid 'Bible' thing. I'm beginning to think this is all just a wild goose chase.
Ferdie: Never fear! Brave Prince Ferdie shall lead this group to victory!
Ferdia: Oh, someone get me a gun.
Bobetta: Does anyone actually know where we are going? And if there will be anymore cute little stores there?
Iiwi: If only I could fly in this get-up
Threats aside, the group's progress was uninspiring. After having escaped from the bandits, with the extremely surprising help of Ferdie, our heroes had reached the other side of the valley. Only to discover yet another obstacle.
Ferdia: Oh, you have got to be kidding me!
Nope. It was true. Our brave little group was going to have to cross a giant sea to an island in the center.
Now hold on just a ding-dang-dong minute. They were following a scorched trail. How could that go over water, I would like to know?
Because I have it on very good authority that water, being made of one part oxygen and two parts hydrogen, has the potential to burn. Fire and fuel. If you have any questions, please direct them to the Jennies.
Exactly when did I lose control here?
Ivan: Excuse me, but could we keep this moving. I would like to get home before my empire is in shambles.
Squeaks: Maybe if we ignore them, they'll go away.
Iiwi: How exactly are we suppose to get across this?
Bob: Too far to swim
Bobetta: You actually expect me to swim in my pretty outfit?!?
Bob: No, darling, of course not. You're too dainty to make it all that way.
Ivan: You're too dainty! Geez, Zero, don't make me lose my lunch.
Beak: Speaking of lunch, I can't remember the last time I ate.
Bob: Too bad I lost my banana espresso.
As Squeaks tried to hold Beak back, the others realized that it had been awhile since their last meal.
Iiwi: We need to find a place to stop. We have just kept pushing since we arrived here. Maybe if we find a village around, they can tell us if there are any ferries that we could book passage on.
Ferdia: Unless we strap a sail to Drake and use him as a raft.
Drake: MHFG! * Translation: HEY! *
Ferdie: That wasn't very nice.
Ferdia: Oh, it's not like he would drown or anything.
Ivan: I'm sure D'gal would appreciate the thought.
Drake: Grumble. * Translation: Grumble. *
Squeaks: So, any bright ideas on how we are going to locate a town?
Bob: Iiwi could fly up high
Iiwi: I can't fly!!!
Sign Holder: Please don't make me go up any trees, sir. I think I would fall in this silly outfit.
Ivan: Oh, for Pete's sake.
And with that, Ivan blinked out of existence.
Ferdia: What the heck!?!
And with that, Ivan blinked back into existence.
Squeaks: Now wait one minute
Ivan: Oh, the fact that I have demonic power in this world and you were trying to keep me from knowing that? Yeah, sort of figured that out on my own. Especially since Miss Pyrotechnic over there threw a fireball at me when you first found me.
Ferdia: No court would convict me.
Ivan: And the monks running around screaming, 'Demon, demon!' was a clue, too. And, if anyone cares, there's a town due west of here, about a mile walk. Bet I beat you there.
And, once again, Ivan vanished.
I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.
Only to re-appear a second later.
Ivan: Sorry, kid.
He took the Sign Holder's wing and vanished one last time.
Iiwi: Well, that's a fine how do you do.
Ferdia: You mean, all this time I could have been blowing stuff up!?! Quick, get me something to fireball!
Drake: Hrndt ffhhf drhrng hfdgt! * Translation: Don't even think about it!
Bobetta: Ooh, that Ivan. The least he could have done was taken the only lady here with him as well.
Bob, Ferdia, and Iiwi: HEY!
Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.
Bob was only upset because he thought Bobetta was suggesting that she would rather be with an evil mafia lord than a distinguished ex-spy.
Bob would never dress in drag. He may be dumb, but he is not that stupid.
Obviously you don't know enough about this series.
Don't wanna know, don't wanna know! (Cover ears.) LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAAAAA!!!
Squeaks: Well, I guess we should head west and catch up with Ivan.
Bobetta: I'm tired of walking!
Iiwi: I don't even want to hear it.
Bob: We could all sing a song to pass the time.
Et al: NO! (Drake: Fght hrdg fhgkrvg hmgd? *Translation: How about 'Anchors Away?' *)
Bobetta: Would someone carry me?
Ferdie: I'm the king and not required to do manual labor.
Ferdia: How about I roast up some Chicken a'la King?
Bobetta: Bob, you're so brave and strong. Surely you could carry lil' old me?
Iiwi: How about I boot lil' old you?
Beak: Now, now, there is no need for violence. Find your calm Inner Banana.
And so the banter continued as the mile walk dragged on. Bob struggled with Bobetta in his arms, Ferdia burned down random bushes and Beak hid behind Squeaks (Ferdie informed him of the inherent target that came with being Gourry.) Squeaks, in turn, kept 'accidentally' whacking the kiwi with his tail. All Iiwi wanted to do was fly away and leave them all behind, especially as Ferdie begun to hum 'God save the King,' to himself.
And no one cares about Drake. A rather jolly group, don't you think?
Ivan: Well, well. Look what the detectives dragged in.
Iiwi: Ivan? What are you doing here?
Ferdie: Yeah, you said that you planned on meeting us at the village.
Bob: What's your plan, you evil fiend.
Iiwi: You can put her down now, Bob.
Sign Holder: It's not his fault. We would have been there by now, but we discover this sign.
Squeaks: What sign?
Ivan: This one.
Ivan stepped aside to reveal a wooden plaque nailed to the tree he had been leaning against.
It read 'Village of the REALLY vicious, barbaric, Amazon Cannibal Women. No men allowed, except for dinner. This means you!'
No good can come of this.
If only you knew. HEEHEE!
** At this time, the author would like to break in and state that she no longer has any control of what the hell is going on, did not plan to do an excursion to some un-named female village, and has decided she is in severe need of therapeutic help and will be acting accordingly. You're on you own, folks. **
Can she do that?
Whoo-hoo! The power is mine!
Iiwi: Guys, I think we're in trouble.
Ivan: Oh, like we weren't before.
Squeaks: As long as I don't end up in Speedo underwear.
Ferdia: Excuse me?
Squeaks: Don't even ask.
Beak: I do not see the problem. We don't have to go to this village.
Oh, but they do!
Ferdia: Beak's right. Let's just find some other village.
Unfortunately, there is no other village on this side of the mountain range, and for very good reason.
Ferdie: We could just turn back and find some other way to the island.
Iiwi: Gee, whatever happened to the 'King leading us to victory?'
Ferdie: Don't take that tone with me, young lady.
Iiwi: Come here and say that to my face.
Bob: I'm with Ferdie; let's just turn around.
But, just then, a horrible rockslide came crashing down the mountains and filled in the gorge that they had traveled through. An errant boulder bounced off the top of the pile and, even though our heroes were standing a very safe distance away, it landed on Drake. Bob and Beak stared in horror as the others just sighed and turned back to the situation at hand.
Squeaks: We are definitely running out of options here.
Ferdia: I still think that when Drake comes back, we should use him as a raft.
Drake: I really find that suggestion offensive, you know. * His gag did not reappear with him. *
Beak: How about Ivan just uses his demon powers to transport us directly to the island.
Ivan: What do I look like, an air tram?
Bobetta: I have an idea.
Iiwi: What ever it is, we don't want to hear it. I second the motion to have Ivan try blinking us over there.
Bobetta: Really, how rude! Don't anyone want to hear what I have to say?
Iiwi: Not especially.
Bobetta: How mean! Boo-hoo-hoo!
Bob: There, there. It's all right, sweetie. We'd love to hear your brilliant idea.
Ferdia: How about we wait until we see if Ivan can teleport us.
With that, everyone joined hands in a circle and Ivan closed his eyes to concentrate.
But, unfortunately, nothing happened and they were all still stuck there with no other choice but to go to the village and face certain Death.
Sorry guys. I tried my best.
Ferdie: Oh, I think I'm going to faint again.
Ivan: Our hero.
Bob: I'm the hero! It's called 'Bob Kiwi & Company!' Me, me, me! And as such, I say we listen to what my beloved has to say. Go ahead, darling.
Bobetta: Oh, thank you! And I do think the solution to this problem is rather simple. As horrifying as it is, they're all women. So all we have to do is dress the boys up as girls.
* thud: Ferdie finally faints *
Iiwi and Ferdia: * Whooping laughter and falling on the ground *
Hee-Hee!!! EVIL, EVIL, EVIL!!!
Ivan: No! No way! No how! I'm out of here!
Ivan takes the Sign Holder and vanishes again.
Only to reappear a moment later as he discovers that the island is protected by magic that does not allow anyone to magically transport there.
Ivan: No, no, no, no, no!
Ferdia: Well, lookie who's back.
Sign Holder: Sir, does this mean we're going to have to wear dresses?
Ivan: I'd rather be turned into a raft.
Ferdia: You're not filled with as much hot air as Drake.
Drake: I'm really beginning to resent this malicious treatment by you primitives.
Squeaks: And yet, he keeps talking.
Bobetta: I have the best ideas of how to dress you all. Oh, this is going to be so much fun!
Ferdie: You and your big beak.
Beak: I'm my own Beak, thank you.
Bob: Uh, sweetie, that's not exactly what I thought you meant by a brilliant idea
Bobetta: Don't worry, darling. I would never make you look foolish. Where do you think we could find some pink chiffon?
Ferdia: I really think a nice lavender would match Squeaks's eyes.
Squeaks: I hate you so much right now.
Iiwi: Ooh, ooh, sunshine yellow for Ivan!
Sign Holder: Could I be sent up a tree now?
Ferdia: And if all else fails, we throw Drake at them as we make our escape.
The turn of events in this story is getting out of hand. I think I am going to fast forward to their arrival in the village. After the guys, albeit reluctantly, donned female attire and were 'dolled up' as Bobetta put it, they proceeded on along the woodland path toward their possible doom.
Gee, could you be any less cheerful? This is fun! They're wearing dresses!
You need help.
Bobetta: You all just look so beautiful! Sigh.
Ivan: I swear, if anyone breathes one word of this when we get back
Squeaks: I will personally help you shoot them.
Drake: Ace, I'm surprised at you! You may not be in Spacefleet anymore, but you still have an obligation as an officer of the law to protect the innocent from miscreants like him.
Ferdia: Oh, to have a digital camera and the e-mail addresses of his shipmates.
Ivan: I'm sure D'gal could help you with that one.
Iiwi: Now remember, you guys are going to have to raise your voices when you talk to make this work.
Bob: I really think we should have shaved off Ferdie's mustache.
Ferdie: No one touches the moustache of a king!
Squeaks: Yeah, well, I don't think painting it orange will fool anyone.
Ferdie: We can just tell them I'm rather manly for a female.
Ivan: And after they stop laughing
Ferdia: Just think of it as an undercover assignment in the bluelight district.
Beak: What's a bluelight district?
Drake: Yeah, Ace. What is it?
Squeaks: I think I would prefer that Speedo right about now.
Don't tempt her. She's a fickle being who is obviously bent on making this as warped a fan fiction as possible.
The Jennies and I are enjoying it.
And exacting how is that suppose to be surprising? Meanwhile, back to the matter at hand, our heroes (and drag queens) are quietly venturing up to the perimeter of the Amazon village. The natives were overly large specimens wearing crude flax linen and animal skins. Many were sharpening swords and spears while sitting around a large boiling pot.
Whereas our heroes we modeling the latest Bobetta creations. Bob in a stunning blue Bo Peep frock, Squeaks in a yellow slip dress, and Beak in a pink hoop skirt and dress jacket. Ferdie had insisted that he be the one to wear the green ball gown (being royalty and all), Drake was straining the seams of a purple kimono, while Ivan and the Sign holder were sporting matching red china doll gowns. Silk and lace as far as the eye could see.
Not to mention fuming tempers.
Bob: * whispering * I think we over dressed
Ferdie: * whispering * See above panicking reaction, and someone catch me this time.
Ferdia: * whispering * Too late to turn back.
Drake: * whispering * This outfit is actually quite comfy.
Guys: * whispering * Shut up!
Everyone braced themselves as they set foot out into the open. The big women all turned as one to look at the new comers.
Then some brave, suicidal, unnamed soul pushed Ferdia forward.
Ferdia: Um, hi. Were not from around here, but we were hoping maybe we could get some transport to that that island out there in the middle of the sea.
Ferdie: And maybe get some food, too. Heehee!
Iiwi: * whispering * Ferdie, think about what these people eat!
Native 1: Who you?
Bob: Oh, just some local travelers. Teehee!
Bobetta: My name is Bobetta, and let me tell you, it's a good thing we came. Linen, that's so last century. Let me introduce you to the wonders of velvet and silk!
Native 2: Huh?
Iiwi: Please ignore her. Too much time in the sun. We just want passage on a boat. Canoe. Dingy. Anything you have.
Native 3: Pretty dress.
Bobetta: See, someone appreciates my talent.
Iiwi: Good, maybe we can leave you here.
Bob: I love your work, Bobetta. Teehee!
Ivan: * whispering * Kiss up.
Native 1: Why she have mustache?
Ferdia: That's my sister, Lyly. It's a horrible birth defect. * aside * She's the black sheep of the family.
Ferdie: HEY! * cough * I mean, HEY! Heehee!
Iiwi: And they're Lala, Lolo, Lulu, Lele, Lili, and Lil-lil. She's the short one. We're all sisters.
Ferdie: One big happy family. Heehee!
Bob: Just us girls! Tee hee!
Native 3: Ugly girls
Ivan: * whispering * Looks who's talking.
Squeaks: * whispering * They aren't buying this.
Ferdia: * whispering * Quiet! *cough * So, do you think you could help us?
The Amazons looked at one another and then turned back to the group. Their smiles were frightening enough to even make Ivan inch away.
Native 2: You think we stupid, or something?
Just then, someone rang the dinner bell.
Iiwi: Crap. Run for it!
Drake: But my shoes
Ferdie: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Et al: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So they all turned tail and ran as the Amazons came charging after them, swords branding and the sun glinting off their sharp edges. They raced through the forest, but all too soon they found themselves in an open clearing, sitting ducks, as it were.
Squeaks: Someone, think quick!
Bob: I'm too cute to die!
Ivan: I'm going to feed you to them first, Hero.
Bob: Just try it, you villain.
Ferdia: Take cover, I'm going to barbeque these guys, Cajun style.
Drake: Is that a good thing?
Ferdie: Just find something to hide behind.
But before Ferdia could let loose even one fireball, a large shadow blotted out the sun and something sent down streams of flame that set the surrounding woods on fire.
Beak: What happened to the sun?
Ferdia: Why can't I ever fight the bad guys!?! I have spiffy powers and everything, but no one will let me use them!
Ferdie: Um, sis
Iiwi: Look up.
She did and what met her eyes silenced Ferdia immediately. It was a huge, golden dragon. Albeit with a pink bow on its tail, but it was still an impressive sight.
Squeaks: Great, instead of being eaten by crazy cannibals, we're going to be charbroiled by an oversized lizard.
Ferdie: Dra-gon. I doubt she would be happy about being called a 'lizard.'
Bob: How do you know it's a she?
Ferdie: It has a pink bow on it's tail.
Bob: So what. Beak has one in his hair.
The dragon whirled through the air, driving the aforementioned cannibals back into the forest. Then she turned back and gently landed on the ground before. And, if they weren't already stunned enough before by this mythic creature, they were then flabbergasted when the creature metamorphosed into a rather familiar form.
Sign Holder: Lita! Thank goodness you're all right!
Lita Farlane/ Filia Ul Copt: Finally! I thought I was never going to find you guys. Um, do I want to know why you guys are wearing dresses?
Squeaks: Not really. That was a pretty impressive entrance there.
Lita: Yeah, well, my pilot training came in handy for getting control of these wings.
Iiwi: I really hate to break up this touching reunion, but we should get going before those Amazons decide to put roast dragon on tonight's menu.
Sign Holder: Hey! Maybe Lita could fly us over to that island on her back.
Ivan: Good idea, kid. I knew I kept her around for a reason.
Ivan, unlike the Sign Holder, had used the distraction of Lita's entrance to change back into his more dignified cloak. Lita looked at him and blinked.
Then she pulled out a huge mace from beneath her pink skirt.
Lita: NAMAGOMI! * Translation: Raw garbage. *
Lita then used said mace to smash Ivan into the ground.
Lita: Oh my gosh! I'm
I'm so sorry, sir! I don't know what came over me.
Ivan raised one crumpled wing and pointed at the offending dust bunny.
Ivan: You are so fired.
He's going to be feeling that one in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he feels it now. And I thought that we were going to be ending this insane saga with this section. We specifically said 'conclusion' at the end of Part III.
Yeah, well, unforeseen detours have led to a fifth chapter to our tale. Great, huh?
I'm all a-twitter with anticipation.
D'Gal: I do get to come back and hurt Drake before the end of this, right?
Oh, sure. No problem. Drake is probably going to wet himself when he sees you, anyway.
D'Gal: Just wait 'til I get my hands on you, Duck. Then you shall know pain. Over, and over, and over again.
I like the way this guy thinks.
And that should be surprising, how? Who's he going to be back as anyway?
It's a surprise! Hee-Hee!